Sparkle Motion

from left to right: Chanel-Blue Satin, O.P.I-Absolutely Alice, Etude House-BL503, O.P.I-Mad as a Hatter, N.Y.C.-120A

Chanel was a rare treat. Dick and I were drunk and sweaty; Loudly working our way through the Forum shops at the Cesar's Palace. We walked into Chanel and I felt like Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls. For $25 bucks (gulp) I got me some fancy nail paint. I was excited and then terribly disappointed. Although absolutely stunning, the quality is poor. It started chipping right away and that is not something I expected given the hefty price tag. You can't really tell from this picture; or from live and up close for that matter, but there are tiny sparkles in this polish. A very deep velvety blue that would make a sick color for a ranfla.

This polish was a gift from a friend who traveled to Korea. It too has a subtle sparkle but is longer lasting than the Chanel. I cant read Korean, and I failed to ask my friend what the tag underneath read. It's an obvious shade of blue, slight matte and quick drying. I wore it for about a week. It was able to handle daily wear and tear and then some. (I think this would work nicely as a base color for the 'Absolutely Alice')





'Absolutely Alice' (below) is part of a limited edition collection from O.P.I in tribute to the Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland movie. I love shiny shit, and this polish is as shiny as it comes. I remember having a Maybelline color just like this back in my early 20's. Unfortunately, My Maybelline polish was much tougher than its slightly more expensive doppelganger. The very next day the color began to chip off in clumps. :o(








Also part of the Alice in Wonderland collection is this 'Mad as a Hatter'(below). I creamed my jeans when I saw it. Flecks of gold, red, silver and green glitter make up this carnival in a bottle. A brief tid-bit of useless trivia. Did you know that back in the day hatters used mercury to cure the fur used to make the felt for hats? Sitting in poorly ventilated rooms making hats causing all sorts of infirmities. The shakes, irrational anxiety, missing teeth, madness? Crazy right? I learned that from the dude on Pawn Stars (it's on the History Channel Monday's at 10pm) Shameless plug aside, I learned my lesson from the flaky Alice. I used a base coat with the Mad Hatter. A cheap purple polish that I got at Target a while back did the trick. It's not a name brand expensive polish but I liked it so much I bought two. It also comes in handy during Lakers playoff. Gotta support the team even though Kobe is a scumbag. With two coats of the N.Y.C. and 2 coats of the Mad Hatter I got a long lasting suitable color. I put the polish to the test this weekend when I decided to do some Spring cleaning in the middle of Winter. Some menstrual induced madness no doubt. Boxes filled with old college papers, magazines from early 2000's and lots and lots of dust bunnies were tossed about. These hands saw a lot of action and I sustained only two small chips. Not bad, I expected much more damage.

Speaking of damage. The year is young and the collections out already show a great deal of
promise. I have a growing list of must have colors. I may just have to get me a side job at Sally's before I find myself forced to swear off polish for the year by mid-July.

To Dye For

The Day: July 10, 2006. The Place: HELL's basement. My soul was slowly being sucked away when I had to take a piss. While I washed my hands in the bathroom I stumbled into some creative lighting and I noticed a shiny glare in the part in my hair. I drew closer to the mirror and that glare was gone. I knew what it was but I resisted the idea, blaming the terrible neon lights in HELL yet I walked away with a nagging looming sense of doom. Weeks later it happened again. This time there was no question about it, I had my first gray hair. A sort of panic struck me. Memories of my mother and her terrible eggplant colored hair filled my thoughts. I was desperate to hide my aging shame so that evening I stopped at Target and picked up a color closest to that of my youthful locks.

It has been a journey in hair dye purgatory that I am eager to end. In the past 3 years one gray hair turned into 3 and 3 have become 5 (which i refuse to pluck). I am not afraid to grow old, nor ashamed to embrace my age. But I desperately want my gray hairs to form some attractive order, some pattern, like a skunk or the bride of Frankenstein rather than the sporadic sprinkled arrangement they seem to have settled upon.



My first dye which was Feria's Chocolate Cherry #36 was rich and long lasting. But along with its long lasting effect, lingered the damage: dry, brittle hair. Somewhere down the line, Loreal changed the formula of this product, and it's no longer as rich as it once was. The color is now flat, and leans toward a purple hue. It was my go to product early on. But now, the lack luster color and guaranteed damage makes it a must skip.

For a while I searched for a replacement and had a lot of misses:



Both of these Garnier colors: Dark Reddish Brown # 452 and Deep Auburn #460 (which I am convinced are exactly the same product in different boxes) left my hair that dreaded grandma eggplant purple color. The good thing about them was that there was very little damage. My hair felt soft and deeply conditioned. But they are both weak, non long lasting colors which is normally a bad thing. In both cases there was not 100% gray coverage like promised. Overall a terrible color that smells really nice.

At almost $13 dollars or more this product is by far worth every penny. Clariol's Perfect 10 4R is just that, perfect. In only 10 minutes you get a root applicator to target grays, a rich full bodied shine, no damage, nice scent and best of all, no purple hue. We have a winner.

But if you are on a budget, Superior Preference 4M is a happy medium. Full gray coverage, deep conditioning (with an awful chemically after smell) and rich color only slightly on the brink of purple.

In a sad embarrassing conclusion aside from the reaffirmation of the old adage; you get what you pay for, it would be simply easier to embrace the gray and crawl out from underneath these boxes of promised youth. Maybe next year.

No Room for the Blues

O.P.I is my favorite nail polish. Their product lasts longer without chipping compared to most other lacquers and comes in the most amazing colors. The only problem I encounter is finding this brand in my local stores. Sometimes i can find it at some beauty supply stores or CVS, but they never have the whole line. (Target has a sister opi brand called Nicole, and Sephora also carries an opi line.) The website is a great point of reference to identify what jean-creaming color will be the object of your latest desire. Sadly, the website does not offer the option to buy. So, you are left to scouring the Internet for those must have shades that will make your day complete. I found this one on Amazon, it came from an independent vendor. Normally an OPI polish will run you about $8. I paid $6.49 plus $2.99 s&h and i have absolutely no regrets!

(this is how i see all the other nail polish blogs format the pictures...and i realize now why they always take the pictures outside in the day light...)

Stay tuned: next week a special paint-job birfdee surprise for Mr. M! (i will take that picture outside)

As Seen On TV

i have a secret confession to make: I love television. Okay, okay, that's not really a secret. But the fact that i love bad television, and above all, infomercials should be. There. you all know my filthy little secret. Although, some of you may have already suspected this after eagerly unwrapping a Christmas or birthday present from me only to find some product that has been hawked on late night television by some former child star.

i jest, i cant say what it is exactly about the infomercial that attracts me, perhaps the poor production value, the terrible acting, the ludicrous empty promises and claims of success or maybe its the jazzy synthesized beats. At any rate i must admit that i am a bit of a sucker sometimes. You wont catch me rockin' the snuggie on a cold night, nor grilling some chicken in that glass crock pot that Mr T endorses. I have a general rule about these things: IF THE PRODUCT ACTUALLY WORKED, IT WOULD BE SOLD IN A STORE, and not just the virtual Bazaar that is late night T.V.

I get so giddy with glee when i see the products that have actually peaked my interest make it to the shelves of my local Target or CVS. I get a sense that because the product is in an actual store that it may actually work and i don't have to worry about giving my credit card number to some yokel over the phone. I have bought plenty of things that have been advertised on TV and have had great success with them like:

• the Ove' Glove that is really amazing if you use the oven a great deal which i do since i don't own a microwave so i heat everything up in the oven and plus i love to bake
• ShamWow which does have me saying "WOW" every time i use it. It sucks up a lot of water and dries fast. WOW!
• the Iron Gym, which at first was a bust since it did not fit any of the doorways in my apartment. But i gave it to my friend and he raves about how well it is working for him. (and i can totally see results too)

So i nearly messed myself when i was trolling the aisles of CVS and i found the Smooth Away! i could not wait to try it out and see how this miracle product would remove my hair, painlessly and without chemicals. Ten bucks later, i had myself another truth test.

The plastic pink pads look sturdy and the pack includes 5 adhesive backed sandpaper strips for each pad. (5 little, 5 big sandpaper strips) The instructions are self explanatory- rub in a circular motion, clock wise then counter clockwise no up and down, no side to side.

The sandpaper strips are very fine, and do not break the skin, nor cause it to burn nor itch. However i did catch a whiff of burning hair when i was doing my test.

BEFORE:
(Please forgive the picture of my hairy ass leg.) The instructions indicate that the hair should not be too long.

AFTER:
The hair was gone, and my leg was hella ashy afterwards. i assume that was the gentle exfoliation that was promised on the box.

So the verdict? it works. Its not as close as a razor, and not as clean as a good waxing. But the Smooth Away actually works. I did find the the little sandpaper strip lost some of its sanding abilities after one leg so i wonder if they sell replacement pads or if i can just buy some at Home Depot and make my own?

Secretly i think i just want to invent something that will make me Millions of dollars and get me out of HELL. all i need is one idea, my very own snuggie, or clap-ON, or flashlight key ring. No matter how stupid it is, someone out there, (perhaps someone not too unlike me) will buy it.