Happy Fun Time Cookies

They are called 'Vanishing Oatmeal Raisin Cookies' and you can find the recipe under the lid of a carton of Quaker Oats. You can also find the recipe on their website under the same name, however on the interweb some of the proportions as well as the baking time differ. This being said, I wish I had checked online first and had used that recipe instead... BUT i didn't. I used the one under the lid and made some slight "modifications":

Ingredients
1 cup green butter*, softened
1 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
1-1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon sea salt
3 cups Quaker® Oats (quick or old fashioned, uncooked)
1 cup of Trader Joe's Golden Berry Blend (golden raisins, cherries, cranberries & blueberries)

Heat oven to 350°F.

In large bowl, beat butter and sugars.

Add eggs and vanilla; beat well.

Add combined flour, baking soda, cinnamon and salt; mix well.

Add oats and raisins; mix well.
Drop rounded tablespoonfuls onto Silpat lined cookie sheet.
Bake 10-12 minutes or until light golden brown. (the website version of the recipe suggested baking time: 8-10 minutes )

Yields 4 Dozen

*3 sticks of unsalted butter, 1 1/2 cups of shake&leaves heated over very low heat for 4-5 hours, strained and cooled. The best recipe I found regarding the infusion process suggested using a 50/50 ratio of shake to butter in a crock-pot on low heat. I don't own one so I used very low stove heat and residual oven heat for the extraction. At all cost avoid cooking the shake OR bringing the butter to a boil. Doing so would ruin the finished product.

For the record calling these cookies 'vanishing' is not just clever marketing on the part of Quaker. They are incredibly satisfying. I had 3 and wanted more BUT had to stop myself because of the green butter. This is why I mention earlier maybe using the online version of the recipe that calls for less butter. That way you can enjoy more than 3 of these tasty cookies at a time without passing out.

indecisive cupcakes

Astrology has long been regarded as an exact science. For generations mankind has gazed into the heavens to tell us whether or not that dude we are bangin' is gonna be our life-mate, or whether today is a good day to buy that car. It is because of the power of the cosmos that we know so much about our selves and each other. Take a Libra for example:

{courtesy of Cafe Astrology} "...Libra natives are generally thought to be sociable, somewhat intellectual souls. They have an almost innocent way about them that makes them very approachable... Libra's enjoy balance in their lives... have a reputation for untruthfulness.... Some more powerful signs may consider Libra's a little on the weak side...Libra's are known for comparing and thinking in relative terms, instead of in absolutes... Harmony is the ultimate goal, but their idealism and high expectations can mean plenty of discontent... A Libra comes across as very civilized and rather refined..."

Truthfully, I don't believe this hokum. It's human nature to want to assign order and meaning to life and things but the universe is not always fair. Good things happen to bad people, innocent children die and good people suffer all the time. Some people are assholes because their mommy did not love them enough, some hate women because some pretty girl rejected them in grade school. It's not altogether random or predestined, rather a finely woven tapestry of cause and effect that all of mankind is intricately involved in. For every predicted astrological characteristic, a logical justification can be parallelled to discredit these mystical celestial predictions.

****

BUT I digress, this was supposed to be about cupcakes-Birthday cupcakes for an indecisive Libra. So what should I bake for the bitchiest broad (ME) who does not know what she wants??? A little of everything! I got the idea for Neapolitan Cupcakes from one of my favorite baking websites: cupcake rehab. I am glad I did not make these chocolate&vanilla w/strawberry frosting cupcakes for somebody else first because they are lackluster. I followed the recipe to the letter(or so I think) but my finished product was not as tasty as I had envisioned.

*NOTE*

Baking while under the influence is not always a good idea Amy Sedaris!

Why, you ask? Well, I may have doubled the salt on the Vanilla recipe because they ended up tasting like cornbread. And I over baked both batches which made the cupcakes a little dry. Okay, A LOT dry. Also, I may have misread the proportions of flour and sugar because for some reason these cupcakes were not sweet at all. However, thankfully the frosting was, which definitely helps makes these cuppies barely edible.

BLACK-N-WHITE Cupcakes

(courtesy of Cupcake Rehab)

Ingredients:
Vanilla:
8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature, plus more for pan
1 ¾ cups all-purpose flour (spooned and leveled), plus more for pan
2 teaspoons baking powder
½ teaspoon salt
¾ cup sugar
2 large eggs, room temperature
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
½ cup whole milk
Chocolate:
8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature, plus more for pan
1 ¼ cups all-purpose flour (spooned and leveled), plus more for pan
½ cup cocoa powder
2 teaspoons baking powder
½ teaspoon salt
¾ cup sugar
2 large eggs, room temperature
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
½ cup whole milk

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, and salt (and chocolate powder for the chocolate cupcakes); set aside.
With an electric mixer, beat butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition; add vanilla, and mix until combined. On low speed, beat in half the flour mixture, followed by milk; end with remaining flour mixture. Mix just until incorporated (do not over mix).
Fill muffin cups with 3 tablespoons of each batter, side by side.. Bake until a toothpick inserted in center of a cupcake comes out clean, 22 to 24 minutes. Cool cupcakes in pan, 5 minutes; transfer to a wire rack to cool completely

Sprinkles' Strawberry Frosting

(courtesy of Martha Stewart)

1/2 cup whole frozen strawberries, thawed
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, firm and slightly cold
Pinch of coarse salt
3 1/2 cups confectioners' sugar, sifted
1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Directions:
Place strawberries in the bowl of a small food processor; process until pureed. In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, beat together butter and salt on medium speed until light and fluffy. Reduce mixer speed and slowly add confectioners' sugar; beat until well combined. Add vanilla and 3 tablespoons strawberry puree (save any remaining strawberry puree for another use); mix until just blended. Do not over mix or frosting will incorporate too much air. Frosting consistency should be dense and creamy, like ice cream.

***

I don't have a food processor NOR do I have a mixer with a paddle attachment. I used a blender on low speed to puree the strawberries and a regular mixer to breakdown the butter.

TAKEAWAY from this recipe. TOO MUCH BUTTER. I had leftover frosting, AGAIN. The taste is awesome, but in the future I will use more strawberries less butter and less sugar.

Merry Un-Birfdee, Every-body!

Margarita is Spanish for Marge

never mind that dent in the cupcake on the left. It got smushed ;D

After the Car Bombs, I got a cupcake bug up my ass. But not just any ordinary kind of bug, an alcoholic bug. Er-go: Margarita Cupcakes. I am not wild about margaritas in general. Something about the tequila makes me violently ill but I found a shit-ton of recipes for them so I decided to give it a go.

One recipe in particular that caught my eye is from the book, "Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World: 75 Dairy-Free Recipes for Cupcakes that Rule". I will definitely try that one next with all the left over tequila I have. That funny looking EVOO gnome had a good recipe too, but it contained too many ingredients. Not too many steps, just too much stuff. I settled on one I found on [bigcitycooking.blogspot.com]. I changed a couple of things and did not follow the frosting recipe. It called for cream cheese AND butter and I am already not a huge fan of cream cheese UNLESS it involves lox and bagels.

CUPCAKES
2 cups All Purpose flour
2 tbsp milk
1 tbsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
12 tbsp unsalted butter, room temperature
1 1/2 cups of sugar
1 tbsp vanilla extract
3/4 cup of Rose's West India Sweetened Lime Juice
5 egg whites, room temperature

Preheat oven to 350F .

In a medium bowl sift together the dry ingredients: flour, baking powder, salt.

In another bowl beat together butter and sugar until light and creamy. Beat in vanilla, milk and the lime juice. Reduce speed and mix in flour mixture until completely combined.

In a separate bowl, with clean dry beaters, whip egg whites on high until they form stiff peaks. Using a spatula fold egg whites into the batter until just combined.

Pour the batter into the cupcake pans and bake 20-22 minutes or until an item (knife, tooth pick)inserted comes out clean.

FROSTING
1 stick of butter
2 cups confectioners sugar
1 tablespoon of lime juice
2 tablespoons of Tequila (okay 3)
Lemon zest
1 drop yellow food coloring (Rachael Ray says green, I say yeah, it should be green but I want yellow)
Sea Salt (most of the recipes call for sugar crystals or coarse sugar, but I am with Big City on this one, Coarse Salt is the way to go. The combination of sweet, sour and salty will astound you)

You can find any number of frosting recipes out there. Some are more complicated but if you want to keep it simple, the basic combination will always be butter and confectioner sugar. You beat those ingredients add the lime juice and tequila. Add the lemon zest and food coloring if you want. As a garnish I added the coarse salt BUT not on all of them. Some people may not be into trying the salt so I placed it on the side.

I really liked the cupcakes. They were light and fluffy and very flavorful. And although all the people that tried these cupcakes did not think so; I found the frosting a little off. Maybe it was the use of cheap tequila??? No se.

What I do know is that the booze cupcake flood gates are wide open. What's next? Rum & Coke? White Russian? Pina Colada? What say you fish tank?

Happy Birthday Rummy

For my Mister's birthday I made some Irish Car bomb cupcakes. I found 2 websites with recipes that varied slightly. [cupcakerehab.com & bigcitycooking.blogspot.com] Since this was my first time making these and it was a special occasion I decided to reserve my usual shenanigans of selectively following the script for another time. I settled for cupcakerehab's recipe overall because it was an easier recipe to follow: less steps, it called for less butter and a whole bottle of Guinness rather than just a cup.

GUINNESS STOUT CUPCAKES

source: cupcakerehab.com

¾ cup unsweetened cocoa
2 cups sugar
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
Pinch fine salt
1 bottle stout beer (recommended: Guinness)
1 stick butter, melted
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
3 large eggs
¾ cup sour cream

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

In a large mixing bowl, whisk together the cocoa, sugar, flour, baking soda, and salt.
In another medium mixing bowl, combine the stout, melted butter, and vanilla. Beat in eggs, 1 at time. Mix in sour cream until thoroughly combined and smooth. Gradually mix the dry ingredients into the wet mixture.

Divide the batter equally between muffin tins, filling each ¾ full. Bake for about 12 minutes and then rotate the pans. Bake another 12 to 13 minutes until risen, nicely domed, and set in the middle but still soft and tender. Cool before turning out.

***

Both recipes had virtually the same instructions for the frosting. I used less confectioners sugar, 2 cups, one stick of butter and I used way more Baileys than the recommend 4 tablespoons.

BAILEYS FROSTING

source: cupcakerehab.com

3 to 4 c. confectioners sugar

1 stick unsalted butter, at room temperature

3 to 4 tbsp Baileys

***

The filling was a challenge. I tried to be true to the (Big City) recipe but it was not working. The "Ganache Filling" called for 8 oz bittersweet chocolate. I left that out. Maybe that was what ruined the texture for me? I used the 2/3 c. heavy cream 2 tbsp butter, 2 tsp Jameson Whiskey but ended up having to add a cup of confectioners sugar to thicken the filling. (C.C. Rehab) had a much easier recipe for the "glaze". Just Jameson and confectioners sugar. That is where I got the idea to add sugar to the mix to thicken it. Next time I will do less cream, and maybe then less sugar. I ended up with leftover filling.

JAMESON FILLING

Adapted from: bigcitycooking.blogspot.com and cupcakerehab.com

2/3 c. heavy cream

2 tbsp butter, room temperature

2 tsp Jameson Whiskey

1 cup confectioners sugar

Overall I was really happy with the outcome. The cupcakes were moist but not too sweet which is great because the filling and frosting are. I need a better tool to cut the hole into the cupcakes and another recipe for the Jameson cream-filling would be nice too. Birthday Panda loved them and I loved making them.

"Mmmm. Move over, eggs. Bacon just got a new best friend - apple pie.”

In a Homer moment of clarity I decided to do the unthinkably delicious- make a bacon apple pie.

I opted for the traditional double crust pie rather than attempting a bacon lattice (the criss-crossing pattern of strips). The lattice looked appetizing and decadent but the idea of messing up and potentially ruining all that precious bacon…I just could not bring myself to risk it. This being my first attempt and all. I figured that I would get another chance to fine tune the recipe anyway. next time...

I found 3 different recipes for bacon apple pie on the inter-web and as usual I took what I wanted/liked from each to come up with my own. I am not into plagiarizing or hijacking original thought so check out the recipes that inspired me:

http://elicooks.wordpress.com/2008/10/09/bacon-really-does-make-everything-better/9/bacon-really-does-make-everything-better/

http://www.suntimes.com/recipes/pies/713091,122607applepie.recipe

http://bacontoday.com/the-bacon-apple-pie/

Ingredients:

6 apples: 3 Granny Smith and 3 Pink Ladies peeled, cored and sliced
1 tablespoon of cinnamon
1/2 tablespoon of pumpkin spice (I did not have nutmeg)
2 tablespoons flour
¾ cup of white sugar
½ cup of maple syrup
8 slices of fried chewy bacon
2 tablespoons butter (the real stuff)
Ready made crust (2)
cook: 350 degrees for 1hr+ (until the apples are cooked, sauce is thick and the crust is golden brown)

What I will do differently next time:

- Spend more money and get a better ready made pie crust

-Use 1/2 cup of packed brown sugar 1/3 cup of white

-4 tablespoons of butter

-More flour (2 1/2 or 3 tablespoons) or some cornstarch

-2 more strips of bacon, 10 in total

Making this pie is a piece of cake, especially since I did not make my own crust. The most time consuming part was peeling, coring and slicing the apples. The rest of the stuff is mixed together in a bowl. First the dry stuff mixed well. Next the apples with the maple syrup then add the bacon. I cooked the bacon chewy, not crispy. I let is cool and drain onto a napkin then I tore it into pieces. Lastly toss in the cut/diced butter. Fold together and pour into the crust. Bake, set and eat. See, cinchy. The hardest part is waiting for the pie to cool and set.

Veg-all Vegetarian

Aside from porn and Facespace updates, the web is also good for locating recipes. The problem with this ready availability of endless recipes is, inconsistent variety. Generally though, this is a good thing. It means that there is more than one way to prepare a dish. So, one can feel free to use the recipe(s) as blue-prints for food preparation but ultimately it boils down to 3 things. Fresh ingredients, a general knowledge of food groupings, and creativity. Here is my take on the Garfield Classic.

Ingredients:

• 1 lbs. Lasagna
• 8 oz. pack of fresh mushrooms
• 15 oz. ricotta cheese
• 1 1/2 lbs. tomato sauce
• 1 lbs. mozzarella
• 1/2 onion
• 6 cloves of garlic
• 2 eggs
• 1/2 cup of shaved Parmesan
• 1/3 shredded Parmesan
• 2 zucchinis
• 3 sprigs of fresh basil
• 6 oz. of Spinach
• 2 stalks of broccoli
• panko bread crumbs
• Kosher salt
• Pepper
• Crush red pepper flakes

In a large pot bring to boil the water add the Lasagna. The box will include a recipe as well as cooking instructions. The recipe on the box will indicate that it is not necessary to cook the pasta. That's up to you. I understand that it may cook in the oven, but for me, it would be a waste of food and time if it just so happened to turn out tough and undercooked. So I boil it until it is al dente.

In a large pan with about 2 tablespoons of olive oil sautee the sliced mushrooms, 3 cloves of minced garlic and the half onion chopped. When the mixture is golden brown add the tomato sauce. Add kosher salt, pepper and red pepper flakes to taste. *you may want to add a teaspoon or 2 of sugar to the tomato sauce to cut down the acidity from the tomatoes. I added about a teaspoon and a half.




In another large pan on medium heat, sautee 2 tablespoons of butter with 3 minced garlic cloves. I know, I know, butter is fatty and I already used olive oil for the sauce, but I appreciate the nutty taste of buttery greens. First add the Spinach. It will reduce and once it has add the chopped zucchini. Lastly add the chopped broccoli. * This process is not intended to cook the greens all the way through. It is just to infuse them with the butter. Add a pinch of salt and pepper and set aside.



Lastly, the cheese mix. Here you can use one egg or 2. I chose 2, I don't really have a reason for it, I just did. Mix the ricotta, the grated mozzarella and the 1/2 cup of shaved Parmesan. Add the egg(s). Season the cheese mix with a little more kosher salt. *Remember that both the sauce and the greens have been salted so beware of over salting.

AND FINALLY its time to put it together.

Here is where your creativity comes into play. I am sure there is a certain order in which to layer the lasagna but fuck if I know OR care. I started with the sauce first. Spreading a liberal layer at the bottom of a 9x13 Pyrex dish. Then a layer of pasta. Then a layer of cheese mix. Above the cheese I laid a layer of fresh basil leaves. Layer of noodle. Layer of sauce, layer of green vegi's, layer of noodle, layer of cheese mix, layer of basil, layer of noodle, layer of sauce, layer of vegi's, layer of cheese. etc. Until I ran out of vegi's and cheese. At the top I laid one last layer of pasta, then sauce. On top of the sauce I sprinkled Panko bread crumbs mixed with the 1/3 of shredded Parmesan. Topped off with fresh chopped basil.

In the oven for about 30/35 minutes or until golden brown.

Not for nothing, I think it turned out really well. My sleepy panda who hates vegetables ate every last bite and I even got compliments from my mother who is a foodie Nazi.

P.S. Screw Flanders

Buffaro Rings

Ingredients:
1/4 cup soy sauce
6 cloves of crushed, diced garlic

1/2 cup honey
1/3 cup lemon juice

1/4 cup hot sauce

3 tablespoons of butter

salt & pepper

4lbs. of chicken wings

I wanted to make some hot wings for the Superbowl party I would be attending but after brain-farting while at the market and forgetting to buy the key ingredient for classic wings (Frank's RedHot sauce), I decided to MacGyver some wings with the stuff I had in my fridge. After a search of the web I found a lot of recipes with good ideas, but not one recipe that was good enough. So I used my basic math knowledge and applied the old rule of "averages": a little Mean, a little Median, a little Mode later I had my recipe for Oriental style hot wings.

1.) Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees.

2.) I thawed and washed the wings and placed them on a Pyrex baking dish. Sprinkled them with a little bit of sea salt (soy sauce is hella salty so I did not want to use too much salt), some black pepper and the fresh garlic. I baked the wings for about 45 minutes uncovered. (To be completely honest I did not time it exactly, but those wings saw about an hour of oven time altogether.) When they had achieved a nice golden color and were cooked thoroughly, I drained all the fat and saved it for later use in my fantastic fat powered space car. I placed the wings back in the oven to stay warm and to get a little crunchy while I mixed up the other ingredients.

3.) In a large bowl I mixed the dark mushroom soy sauce, lemon juice, honey and Huy Fong chili garlic hot sauce (I really like garlic). I debated using the butter because all the recipes I found online included a stick or so of butter. I figured the honey would act like a glue limiting the need for the butter but I did not want to risk it flavor wise. So I compromised by adding 3 tablespoons into the mixture. (I did not pre-melt the butter because the whole thing would be getting more oven time.)

4.) I poured the wings into the large bowl and tossed/folded together. Then I placed the wings back onto the Pyrex and poured the entire mixture over them and baked for 10 minutes.
5.) Take out, pour into serving dish, share and enjoy.

I'm no iron chef, but these got devoured and not only by me. These bitches were spot on, in fact they can stand to be a little more spicy. Next time, Sriracha your services will be requested!

My cupcakes bring all the boys to the yard...

The book titled, "Hello, Cupcake! irresistible playful creations anyone can make" by Karen Tack and Alan Richardson, is filled with creative cupcake recipes for all occasions. I came upon the book while trolling the aisle in Target and found only one recipe that tickled my fancy. Rather than buy the book, I jotted down the simple recipe for spaghetti and meatball cupcakes in my moleskine. (turns out you can find the full recipe on the web) I'm a sucker for ludicrous imitation. I love when shit looks like other shit, its one of my many Homeresque qualities.

Vanilla cake mix, vanilla frosting with 3 drops of yellow food dye and cocoa powder added, Rocher ferrero chocolates, low sugar strawberry preserve and white chocolate is all you need. It's cinchy!

The caveat: In the process of putting it all together there are some idiosyncrasies. Like the jelly has to be the low sugar preserve because of both the color and texture. To create the noodle effect you either need a top quality FREEZER zip-lock bag (don't cheap out with some 99cents store sandwich bags, you WILL regret it) or some professional cake decorating tools, and the white chocolate to grate on top to resemble the parmesan cheese is harder than a mother fucker to find.

I took these to HELL for our end of the year, farewell to the team, Italian food themed pot luck and they were a graveyard smash.

This is not a Food Blog

Apparently, there is a code of ethics one should follow when writing a food blog, which i think should just be left to common sense and not a group of word Nazis who think they alone have the write to write. (Get it?) it's punny...

Food Blog Restaurant Review Guidelines
1. We will be thorough.
We will consult the Association of Food Journalist guidelines to maintain a standard for reviews.
2. We will be fair when reviewing a restaurant
We will visit a restaurant more than once (more than twice, if possible) before passing a final judgment.
We will sample the full range of items on menu.
We will be fair to new restaurants. Establishments experience growing pains. We will wait at least one month after the restaurant opens, allowing them to work out some kinks, before writing a full-fledged review. If, however, we chose to post about a new restaurant because of timeliness and competitiveness, we will instead offer readers “initial impressions.”
If we receive an item for free or if we are recognized during our reviewing process, we will mention so in our review.
While anonymity is important when dining out and conducting a review, we will not hide behind a pseudonym. If complete anonymity is required for personal or professional safety, we will not post anything that we wouldn’t feel comfortable putting our name on and owning up to. Readers should also be able to respond to the reviews.

***
I will press on. Last night Mr. M and i went to Casa Bianca. It's a mom and pop Italian restaurant located on 1650 Colorado in Eagle Rock. Mr. M and i have been there before.(AND yes i have been there more than 2 times before). All bias aside, i sort of prefer Tarantinos in Pasadena on 784 E Green Street. It too is a mom and pop operation, is a CASH only establishment, has marvelous pizza pies, (i have been there more than twice too) but i have never had to wait 45 minutes to an hour to eat there. Casa Bianca does not need me to review it. It has been reviewed and revered in various publications', 'BEST OF ' lists. It shares the charm of Palermo Ristorante Italiano located on 1858 N Vermont Ave in Los Angeles. You can buy a glass of wine while you wait for your table there too and the walls are plastered with 8x10 glossy head shots of D list TV stars from yesteryear. The food is better at Casa Bianca than that of Palermo's but the price is about the same. But i digress, this is not a FOOD BLOG.

Last night Mr. M and i went to Casa Bianca, we were prepared to wait so we walked down the street to a Liquor Store and bought a 32 of the high life and 2 cans of Boddingtons. We sat outside talking about "Son of Rambow", a delightful little movie we netflixed this week. The night was warm and balmy, due to the rain that had just misted everything. We were yucking it up and i was especially enjoying making fun of the other parties waiting to be seated. One group in particular went through several packs of cigarettes while waiting to be seated. It appeared to be a party of 10 gathering to celebrate the birthday of the ring leading hipster blond. Classic hipster look: long bangs, tight jeans, and that dirty but not dirty put together look. Little by little her friends kept showing up and they all awkwardly stood around chain smoking because it appeared that many of them did not know each other. Which begs the question; is a dinner birthday party really a good setting to meet new people? They got seated before us and then a mid forties couple joined the fun outside. The ass clown had long hair and kept trying to butch up the conversation by talking about things he had no idea about. He actually said that Mark Sanchez went to the LIONS; idiot! And his lady friend was one of those divorcee's that had a lot of work done: had fried blond hair but a tight little body. A real match made in heaven. We finally got seated and wouldn't you know, we got to sit right next to the party of 10. Turns out the chain smokers were all, wait for it, wait for it, VEGETARIAN!

Now some of you loyal blog followers know that i fasted, and that i can MacGyver the shit out of some tofu, so being a vegetarian is all good. But Vegetarians that chain smoke and wear "MEAT IS MURDER" shirts put me over the edge.

(See i told you, this was not a FOOD BLOG)

Here i go on my soap box. SMOKING is MURDER and SUICIDE and Smoking is Puffthetic! If you can't find something better to do with your hands while you wait around then you are socially inept. If you can't sit through a meal without stepping out for a smoke break, you are a LOSER JUNKY. And if you really care about animals stop smoking! NEWSFLASH! We are all animals and while i was sitting outside with you for 45 minutes breathing your second hand cancer you were slowly murdering me.

I used to smoke. It was cool. I was a bad ass and i wanted to announce my presence with authority. But its an expensive ridiculous habit. Many of my friends tell me now that they cant imagine me smoking. It has been about 2 years and i can honestly say i don't miss it. But back to my point. DON'T BE SUCH A HYPOCRITE! Don't push your vegan bullshit in my face while puffing cancer at me as well. If you want to commit to making earth a better place, start with yourself. Better yourself first.

In conclusion, the pizza we ate was wonderful. The sausage was excellent. The meatballs were whatever. But the little cockroach that joined us in our booth at the end of the meal was an especially nice touch. I think from now on we will do carry out.

why did the chicken cross the road?

Filet-O-chik

(to get himself a yummy meatless chik-fillet sangwitch!)

As i have mentioned before, not eating meat is hardly a big deal. Sure, there are things i miss, like carne asada, tacos de carnitas, and of course, bacon! But with endless meatless meal options its a negligible estrangement. In fact, my yearning for delicious ice cold beer is far greater. With 12 more days and counting left till the end of Lent, there are definitely meal options that will find their way into my rotation throughout the year. Like the Ribwich, (which i will review soon, i promise) and these, Morning Star Chik Patties. With 5 grams of Fat and at 140 calories a piece, these are too good to be true. They taste better than any fast food chicken sandwich out there, and I'll bet they are healthier too!

Selma-Melt & Corn-Kitties

I am still working on my masterpiece about ethics and morality. In the meantime, i thought it would be genial to throw a big-ups to fake meats by showcasing their awesomeness. I decided to break it down into 3 categories: Price, Taste, and Likeness to Meat.

Corn-Kitties

(Corn-Kitties cuz they ain't Dogs)

At 150 calories each these seem too good to be true. However, the taste and texture are just like the real thing. They are negligibly smaller than their corn-dog counterparts, but not enough to lose any sleep over. Morning Star Products can be pricey, hovering around 5 dollars, but you can find deals. Food For Less Carries the product as does Trader Joe's and most other department-supermarket-stores do as well. Price: moderate. Taste: outstanding, amazing, spectacular. Likeness to meat: dead on.

Selma-Melt

(As in Patty and Selma? This is the other melt)

I tried the Garden Burger Grillers and that fake meat patty was just terrible. Too awful to ever buy again, much less take pictures of and review. Meat is meat and nothing will ever taste exactly like a juicy medium rare steak except a juicy medium rare steak. This faux meat is not comparable in texture, nor taste to the real thing but it does not taste half bad. Its a great source of protein, its low in calories;130, and it's definitely a team player. Here I toasted some onion buns, placed a mixture of jalapeno jack and and chedderella cheese on each half. Placed the slice of fake meat on one half and a combo of caramelized onions and jalapenos on the other. (Mr. M added some left over chili to his Selma-melt) It tasted GREAT. Price: moderate. Taste: Yummers , but its no double-double animal style. Likeness to meat: not by a long shot.