square peg in a round hole

Contrary to what some men believe, the pelvic exam is not as awesome as it sounds. I used to visit Planned Parenthood for all my lady part needs, but since i have a job that offers me the opportunity to pay for my own insurance; i wanted to take advantage of what has already been deducted from my paycheck. My trip to Kaiser left me feeling raped emotionally and financially, not to mention a little sore in my labia.

First of all the exam was initially slated for March 31, but i was menstruating and ineligible for probing. The soonest Kaiser could reschedule me was: May 18th. Then May 18th came, i was period free, and ready to get in the saddle when i get a call letting me know that the Doctor decided to cancel my appointment, no explanation provided. Next available day: June 10th. Keep in mind that i have to take these days off from work, as unpaid days which i have to request off a month in advance.

(im starting to whine, and im losing my focus, regrets)

Its June 10th. I am at Kaiser, first window-$15.00 copay. Next window, the ensemble cast of "nurses" are the medical professions' answer to Reno 911. The nurse that performs my exam; NP Lil Louie, keeps leaving the room. At first i though she was looking at my pap smear under a microscope, (i have had doctors do that) but she would come back and not report anything. Then i realized that she was visiting other patients in the time she was supposed to be examining me. She left me in that room for 10 minutes at a time while she worked on other women.(i wonder if she washed her hands?) On one of her brief returns to the room, NP Louie asked me if it was okay if she inserted her finger in my anus WHILE she was inserting her finger in my ass. It was more of a statement than a question. (i am still confused what that procedure was for).

As if i had not already spent enough time there with Josef Mengele; I, in my infinite wisdom decided that i wanted to be fitted for a diaphragm. She was ill prepared and at one point i suspected that she was trying to insert dirty diaphragms inside of me. NP Louie, who decided not to listen to me insisted on inserting the largest diaphragm inside of me first. It was the size of a small baseball cap. I began to complain. I yelled, "Ouch...STOP...your hurting me..." at one point i even told her that i changed my mind that i did not care for this form of birth control, i yelled. "...you know- im cool with condoms, this is fine, please lets just stop." But this NP did not understand basic English commands or simply did not care. The whole time she ignored me and treated me like she was doing me a favor for free. Needless to say i left an hour and half later felling uneasy, slightly used, and ashamed. I am 31 years old and i have had at least 10 pelvic exams in my life, and none compared to how terrible this one was.

A week later i get a call that i need to come back, that although my pap smear was negative there are irregularities. I specifically ask, " is this just an excuse to needlessly test me, in an attempt to pad the bill?" "Oh, no, not at all, here at Kaiser we are very careful..." I reply, " i have had other exams before and this is highly irregular" "Oh madam i assure you that we are only taking precautions." Next appointment is June 25th with a real doctor this time. Gladys Estela Loera, MD. Okay, this is refreshing. First window, again $15.00 copay. Next room, i barely sit down when im called into the back. Although MD Loera seems disillusioned with the idea of looking at vaginas all day; she is attentive and alert, friendly and quick. She did not leave the room until it was over. I asked for an HIV test, she tells me to go to the lab, shakes my hand and sends me on my way. 20 minutes in all. More like it. I go to the lab and the shell of a woman who was on leave from her other job as crypt keeper tells me, its a extra 10 dollar copay for the HIV test. I tell her that its ridiculous to pay AGAIN, for something that i can get for free. I asked her for my card back and stormed out. Whatever, its done and over with right? wrong!

On Sunday i go to my PO BOX and waiting for me is a bill from Kaiser for $155.00! I am so angry! I specifically asked if the second trip would cost me money and they lied to me. But that fact is besides the point. ITS GROSSLY UNETHICAL to perform a treatment without disclosing a hidden charge. What if i cant afford this? (which i cant) I should have been given the option to decline service and opt for a more affordable treatment. I am at a loss. I feel trapped. I wonder how many other people KAISER has done this to? I see names of "providers" listed on my bill that i did not actually see on those 2 days. It appears that i am being billed twice, and at no time did i sign anything agreeing to being billed at a later date. I dread making the call to dispute the erroneous charges. I will sit on hold for 30 minutes and be transferred 3 times before someone tells me to "call my insurance" just to get me off the phone. To which i will exclaim, "YOU ARE MY INSURANCE!" i don't want to ruin my credit over this, but i DON'T believe its fair to extort $155.00 out of me. It sucks to be the little man/woman. Paying for insurance at a shitty job that offers half ass benefits, having no money for legal recourse, no voice, no choice but to pay. and pay, and keep paying...

P.S. i have yet to wear this $40.00 diaphragm that i paid for in full at the pharmacy that first day after waiting in a lobby for 45 minutes with sick people and crying babies.

Yaba-daba-doo!

GM died on Monday. Sadly, the news was not really that shocking for me; i have been hearing about the eminent demise on NPR. On Tuesday I received a forwarded email titled; "Goodbye, GM", an essay written by Michael Moore about the event. It got me thinking about the future of automobiles, the earth, about the Aztecs and the end day. It made me a little angry and reflective about the job our current president has been doing. It was easy to lampoon G.W., he's a total buffoon who's a constant embarrassment to himself. But Barack is an educated, articulate man, and that is what makes my disappointment with his lack of activity more discomforting. I read Michael Moore's essay in which he goes into a litany of requests for automotive reform. On Thursday in the parking structure of HELL my opinion of the defunct company totally changes when i saw the FULL CELL EQUINOX by GM. It was like an amalgam, a mirage, a glimmer of hope. It seemed ironic to me that at its life's end; GM actually proved to fulfill Mr. Moore's manifesto, an energy efficient vehicle.

What is a Fuel Cell Vehicle?

FCVs represent a radical departure from vehicles with conventional internal combustion engines. Like battery-electric vehicles, FCVs are propelled by electric motors. But while battery electric vehicles use electricity from an external source (and store it in a battery), FCVs create their own electricity. Fuel cells onboard the vehicle create electricity through a chemical process using hydrogen fuel and oxygen from the air. FCVs can be fueled with pure hydrogen gas stored onboard in high-pressure tanks. They also can be fueled with hydrogen-rich fuels; such as methanol, natural gas, or even gasoline; but these fuels must first be converted into hydrogen gas by an onboard device called a "reformer." FCVs fueled with pure hydrogen emit no pollutants; only water and heat; while those using hydrogen-rich fuels and a reformer produce only small amounts of air pollutants. In addition, FCVs can be twice as efficient as similarly sized conventional vehicles and may also incorporate other advanced technologies to increase efficiency.

*information provided by: http://www.fueleconomy.gov/feg/fuelcell.shtml

Not for nothing but this car RULZ! Like a compact mini-van, or a tubby station wagon; its design was clearly intended to please the market demand for SUV's/Monster trucks. Apparently, GM revealed this automobile in early 2oo8 and after winning several awards, receiving acclaim and recognitions, the car never became available to the public. How sad. I was excited to be near it and eager to learn more about it. (It belongs to Disney-Disney has offices in HELL too)
Its depressing to know that the technology exists to make serious strides in self sufficiency and that clearly the public is responsive and willing to make the switch from oil to electric, but that our government would rather forgo progress to keep corporate America rich. Unacceptable. I sincerely HOPE Obama makes good on all those campaign promises. No disrespect Sir, but the tax break on purchases of new automobiles is just the tip of the iceberg. When will you tackle real reform rather than coddle corporate America with bail outs? What happened to the EV(electric vehicle), bring that bitch back Barack. Put some solar panels on the lawn of your white house, pimp out your ride and make the Beast Eco-friendly. Attach some strings to all that money you are giving the automotive industry and help us break free from our addiction to foreign oil and war.

side note: does anyone remember that MC BREED song about him being from F.L.I.N.T. and how if he became president he would paint the white house black....

USA-not-A-Okay

In my life time i have seen the US/Mexico border go from a chain linked fence that divided two countries to a thicker and taller metal gate, then it changed from a gate to a wall. And then behind that wall another wall was erected and on top of that wall, barbed wire was added. So much money and energy has been squandered on securing that border. THEN- after 9/11 the shit really hit the fan. We had to protect our border from foreign enemies, which the minute men used as an excuse to declare open hunting season on Mexican terrorists. All this to protect ourselves from Mexicans who come to the United States to spread their religious ideologies, and steal all of our good jobs... That being said, you cannot imagine my shock and awe when i heard one of today's top news stories about the (June 1st) restriction, requiring people to present proper identification when attempting to cross the Canadian/U.S. border. So wait a minute, time out, all this time that we were "securing our border" to the South and pioneering all that Homeland Security bullshit, what have we been doing in the Great White North?

Let me get this straight. For years i have heard the redundant rhetoric about Mexicans stealing jobs; jobs that we all know GOD DAMN WELL, NOBODY wants to do; all the while letting educated English speaking Canadians just walk across the border without so much as requesting proper identification? What? Did we ever stop to imagine what jobs these highly qualified Canadians were taking from U.S? Do we care? I have never seen a Canadian housekeeper, nor a Canadian selling fruit on the side of the road, or washing cars, nor mowing a lawn. So what is this bullshit really about, America?

Your pro Canada, anti Mexico agenda is clear to me now America; you racist Jezebel. Don't judge me harshly, please; I was born here, i live here, and i love you America, but sometimes you disappoint me and fill me with shame. I wish you'd stop it and get it together. Get us some universal health care, help us with our distressed debt, truly and honestly leave no child behind and stop being such a two-faced racist bigot. ALSO, for Christ sake- if you are going to tighten one border, tighten both! Its like wearing fireproof pants with no top! ...And the rockets red glare with amber waves of shame-AMEN

Won't somebody please think of the children!

With the California election less than a day away i am flabbergasted by the amount of media coverage and propaganda surrounding this important event. I cant open my mailbox, watch a t.v. show, or listen to my favorite radio station without being inundated with some debate about the controversial propositions on the ballot. ACTUALLY, not really. In fact, quite the opposite. I have in all truth only caught one commercial where a "teacher" is pleading for the children, begging us to vote yes on Prop 1A and 1B. As if either proposition had anything remotely to do with the other. I think at one point she actually exclaims, "wont someone think of the children!" Which is a serious pile of soft smelly beer shits! Prop 1A has absolutely nothing to do with the children! it has everything to do with a a mystical "rainy day fund" that in all actuality is a Slush Fund. This BITCH will have us believe that in order to help the children we need to vote YES on 1A and 1B. But if we really care about the children, we will only VOTE YES on 1B and NO on 1D, the only two propositions which actually have something to do with children.
I am completely disgusted and disappointed with our display of civic duty. From the corporate news level, the grassroots level, and personal neighbor to neighbor level. This apathy born from the same community that not 7 months ago was wall to wall ape shit about our electoral process. Look, listen, Its cool we voted for a president, I'm glad Barack is that president, and I'm glad that a sound active campaign brought that to fruition. But what the FUCK CALIFORNIA!?! This election tomorrow has EVERYTHING to do with our local government. This is shit we can tangibly control. I cant tell you how to vote: (NO ON 1A, 1C, 1D, YES ON 1B, 1E, and 1F.) But i can urge you to vote. AND i know you all are already registered because you voted for Barack, so i know you are still eligible. The future of the Golden State's budget lies in your hands dude. Don't fuck this up!

its a FILM not a MOVIE!!!!!

A while back the movie 'Independence day' was on television. I watched it because there was nothing else on and also because as it turns out, it has an all star cast. I realized a couple of things. One, this movie is what really solidified the Fresh Prince of Bel-air's role as a leading man, and two, the movie is terrible! Absolutely-shit smeared on your best shoes, late for an important interview-terrible. Granted it was never my favorite movie, but it got me thinking about big summer blockbuster movies, bad 80's movies, and how they compare to alleged "films". All this aside, it is not my intention to embark on a slanderous tirade about the quality of 'Independence day'. For all i know, maybe it sucked because like lots of poorly conceived futuristic movies that try too hard; it could not withstand the test of time, or maybe it's because the concept is weak and badly recycled, or maybe, just maybe its simply a crappy film, so what? I am mature enough now to see past that elitist art-house mentality that only Criterion Collection films and those directed by someone with a foreign sounding name are alone worth watching. Truth be told, some of the shittiest movies have brought me the most joy over the years simply because of their irreverent quality. But the fact that i love 'Showgirls' with all its plot holes and character flaws is not the point. The point is that shitty movies go both ways.

When i started Netflix i was eager and ambitious. I started watching everything. The critically acclaimed stuff, the popular stuff, stuff that came highly recommended all the things i always wondered about... and it hit me. A lot of these so called films are complete tripe too! I could not stand 'Blue Velvet'. I found it idiotic, and pretentious. I simply do not accept the hype. The genius of Ingmar Bergman is lost on me and 8 1/2 is overrated. There, i said it! I am not a yokel that cannot appreciate art, on the contrary, i can appreciate ART even if it is not acclaimed.

I say this because the other day i went to watch 'the Fast and the Furious' at the 2 dollar theatre and as predictable as it was, i enjoyed it. But i caught a lot of grief from friends who passed judgement on the movie. SO FUCKING WHAT if it appeals to the lowest common denominator?!? Maybe sometimes we need to just suspend all disbelief and escape our better judgement for 90 minutes and just have a mind numbing good time? I am not suggesting that we abandon all discretion, nor am i championing the nomination of Vin Diesel for an Oscar. But i can find value in mega budget-mindless explosion movies, not exclusively reserve it for hyped art house films. Perhaps my taste is all in my mouth, but after watching some "classics films" i cant help but wonder if they are great for the same reason that the Emperor's new clothes were?

Don't take it personally...

I never understood that comment. I don't see anyone else here, you did not say that shit to the wall did you?

All day in Hell i have been called a bitch. told: "fuck you" and i had a guy actually retract a "thank you" because as he put it, i did not do anything to help him. Two things come to mind. why do humans think that other people are supposed to fix their lives and their mistakes? And why are they so quick to personalize blame and then generalize the shame that is felt when that blame is misplaced with a response like, "don't take it personally." If we really did not want people to take things personally, we would not blame them, insult them and belittle them specifically. Its like saying your "sorry", as an easy fix-it-all response. We don't think before we act and for some reason we humans feel entitled. I have yelled at people and bitched them out but in every case i have never EVER said, "don't take it personally." if i am yelling at you and calling you names, i mean it. it may not be right, i admit. But there is no misplaced blame. I don't yell at the cashier at Trader Joe's because the old white lady hit me with a cart. I yell at the old white lady.

Why do we, as a society accept this shitty half-ass remedy to a much bigger problem; our lack of respect for each other? we cant allow ourselves to wash our hands of our responsibilities and then turn around and shit all over someone else because we have been raised to treat each other like shit and then say "sorry". I say, take that shit real personal like because that lady called you stupid, told you that you were useless, and then turn around and tell her that she is out of control and over the line- and generally being a bad human. When dogs take shits in the middle of the living room we don't hesitate to roll up some newspaper hit the dog on the snout and point our finger at them and exclaim, "Bad Fido. Bad boy!" Now, i don't think that's right by any stretch of the imagination, but as a society we thinks its totally acceptable. Therefore i say, if you act like an animal, then you should be treated like one too. "Bad Lady, BAD!" then i will tell her, take it personally...

*also for the record i don't believe in hitting animals unless its a snow leopard and its about to eat your baby. if your dog took a big nasty shit in the middle of the living room, that shit is your fault. you should take your pet out for a walk more often.