3 strikes you're out

When my brother and I loitered around abandoned parking lots in our youth stoned and listless we dreamt up a fantasy of owning our very own roach-coach. One rivaling all roach-coaches that came before it. Years later, stoners all over L.A. brought to life OUR dream of the reinvented Lonchera. Popping up all over the city; in the valley, the westside, the eastside, the inland empire EVERYWHERE, food trucks were the newest and latest craze. One notable trailblazing venture was the Kogi Truck. As a lover of anything short-rib, I dutifully followed the twitter thread identifying when the truck would be in my hood. Apparently everyone else and their american apparelled best friend had done so too.

The first time I went to catch up with the truck I circled the street several times, parked blocks away to wait in line just to be told that the line ended with the person right in front of me. OKAY, that happens; I guess. The second attempt was at the failed Los Angeles Art Walk @ the LACMA where the line was an exhibit all its own (pictured above, look closely; it goes on and on) RI-GOD-DAMN-DICULOUS!!! Third time around (with a high level of trepidation) I drove past the truck saw the line and kept on truckin'. From that moment on I vowed not only to boycott KOGI, but to talk mad shit about it. Vilifying it in a cartoon hatred kind of way.

Then one Wednesday a year later while driving through Glendale, there it was. No line, plenty of parking and with hunger pangs directing the vehicle, I found myself in line to try the infamous Kogi. It was like waiting to meet the Beatles. The anticipation was palpable. (roll eyes here)

(not an original picture. Taken from http://kogibbq.com/category/menu/)

Lets be clear, My BREAKFAST burrito looked nothing like the one pictured on their website(above). AND nothing on the menu identified that it would be a breakfast burrito. Wet eggs, green onions, some soy sauce, cheap cheese, limp kimchi and some miserable pieces of short rib comprised my 'Food Fusion" burrito experience. It was not grilled and while it was slightly larger than I expected, it was $5 of filler, not meat.



The Belle of the Ball was the KIMCHI Quesadilla!!!

One large tortilla folded in half covered in sriracha and sesame seeds. Filled with Monterrey jack cheese and with what the white girl in front of me called "ki-mi-chi" with a hint of ginger. It was exceptional. Spicy and cheesy and perfectly priced at 3 bucks. Except it actually cost $5 and is therefore too beau-coup for moi.

I'm glad I got to finally try it, but Kogi left this reviewer ice cold. Which begs the question, is anything "fusion" ever good?

Check the website: http://kogibbq.com/ for a location near you.

des colores

"Sweet" by Milani on my happy noodle lunchbox. Pink is a hard color for me to rock on account of how large and dark my paws are. This one is the perfect shade I have been hunting for. (^-^)*

"Suzi in the Pyrenees" by o.p.i. Its a VERY dark gray, looks black it's really nice but nothing super special. I want a gray polish and this is not it. next time...















I went bonkers for the nail polish that the Trannie Gaga is donning on the cover of the April 2010 Cosmopolitan. Its a fabulous shiny mirror finish lacquer. I nearly creamed my plus sized jeans when while trolling the Rite-aid on my way to the beer section I found this Sally Hanson 'COLOR QUICK fast dry Color Pen' in Silver Chrome. I plopped down my 27 plus shekels for this dicey crap. One of my worst impulse buys ever. Its not chrome, its not shiny, its not long lasting, it sucks. Its essentially the same as using one of those permanent marker taggers use. Except with one of those you would at least get a cheap high. Total trash. Pass.

im not white

Census fever has come and gone but the issue of racism lingers like a malignant cancer.

When the census packets first started arriving in homes the local media paraded our [Los Angeles] midget mayor in a census propaganda fluff piece declaring us [Latinos] as white. The anger and outrage I felt was not fit for words. Needless to say, the census form still sits on my coffee table covered in food grease, beer and coffee rings. I tried to think back to some collegiate anthropological course that I took years ago that discussed the origins of man. I desperately searched my drug addled memory for some semblance of a factual truth regarding race but sadly the only thing I could squeeze from my pickled brain was some quasi knowledge of history. I KNOW for a fact that I am not white because my ancestors have been here on this patch of land long before the Mayflower or even Columbus. Plus I own a mirror.

I asked around to see what my contemporaries {other Latinos} would be doing about this grave injustice. Most people found my outrage ridiculous and welcomed the idea of being considered white and gladly claimed that as their race on the census. Others confronted the ludicrous implication of Aryan inclinations by claiming to be black. And while that is funny, and probably more accurate, I'd rather not partake in this ridiculous exercise of false self identification. Its offensive to me to assume that I have anything in common with the cultural heritage bred of entitlement. Sure I went to college, have indoor plumbing and the right to vote but I am reminded constantly that I am not welcomed in certain circles.

We were at the bar when my heavy handed humor got the best of me. It may have been a little presumptuous of me to imply that I would be attending a Klan meeting now that I was 'white'. The white people in the bar stools next to mine became visibly uncomfortable. Uncomfortable with WHAT is unclear. It could have been with my racist rant or maybe the idea of a darkie crashing their exclusive Klan meeting put them on edge. Whatever it was, It was clear my money was no longer green enough so I left.

At first I thought that their discomfort came from the "white-shame" That they did not like to be reminded of their history of hate and oppression. Then Arizona happened and I realized that the whites are just as racist as ever. For all we know that stupid "we are all white" census stunt pushed them over the edge. Perhaps the idea of welcoming us to the fold sent them into frothing at the mouth rage that obviously caused them to revisit and dust off some ol' Jim Crow justice. I say to all my brothers and sisters in Arizona when the cops stop you and ask you for your passport you tell them that you are white and that there must be some kind of mistake. Then ask them for their passport.

Veg-all Vegetarian

Aside from porn and Facespace updates, the web is also good for locating recipes. The problem with this ready availability of endless recipes is, inconsistent variety. Generally though, this is a good thing. It means that there is more than one way to prepare a dish. So, one can feel free to use the recipe(s) as blue-prints for food preparation but ultimately it boils down to 3 things. Fresh ingredients, a general knowledge of food groupings, and creativity. Here is my take on the Garfield Classic.

Ingredients:

• 1 lbs. Lasagna
• 8 oz. pack of fresh mushrooms
• 15 oz. ricotta cheese
• 1 1/2 lbs. tomato sauce
• 1 lbs. mozzarella
• 1/2 onion
• 6 cloves of garlic
• 2 eggs
• 1/2 cup of shaved Parmesan
• 1/3 shredded Parmesan
• 2 zucchinis
• 3 sprigs of fresh basil
• 6 oz. of Spinach
• 2 stalks of broccoli
• panko bread crumbs
• Kosher salt
• Pepper
• Crush red pepper flakes

In a large pot bring to boil the water add the Lasagna. The box will include a recipe as well as cooking instructions. The recipe on the box will indicate that it is not necessary to cook the pasta. That's up to you. I understand that it may cook in the oven, but for me, it would be a waste of food and time if it just so happened to turn out tough and undercooked. So I boil it until it is al dente.

In a large pan with about 2 tablespoons of olive oil sautee the sliced mushrooms, 3 cloves of minced garlic and the half onion chopped. When the mixture is golden brown add the tomato sauce. Add kosher salt, pepper and red pepper flakes to taste. *you may want to add a teaspoon or 2 of sugar to the tomato sauce to cut down the acidity from the tomatoes. I added about a teaspoon and a half.




In another large pan on medium heat, sautee 2 tablespoons of butter with 3 minced garlic cloves. I know, I know, butter is fatty and I already used olive oil for the sauce, but I appreciate the nutty taste of buttery greens. First add the Spinach. It will reduce and once it has add the chopped zucchini. Lastly add the chopped broccoli. * This process is not intended to cook the greens all the way through. It is just to infuse them with the butter. Add a pinch of salt and pepper and set aside.



Lastly, the cheese mix. Here you can use one egg or 2. I chose 2, I don't really have a reason for it, I just did. Mix the ricotta, the grated mozzarella and the 1/2 cup of shaved Parmesan. Add the egg(s). Season the cheese mix with a little more kosher salt. *Remember that both the sauce and the greens have been salted so beware of over salting.

AND FINALLY its time to put it together.

Here is where your creativity comes into play. I am sure there is a certain order in which to layer the lasagna but fuck if I know OR care. I started with the sauce first. Spreading a liberal layer at the bottom of a 9x13 Pyrex dish. Then a layer of pasta. Then a layer of cheese mix. Above the cheese I laid a layer of fresh basil leaves. Layer of noodle. Layer of sauce, layer of green vegi's, layer of noodle, layer of cheese mix, layer of basil, layer of noodle, layer of sauce, layer of vegi's, layer of cheese. etc. Until I ran out of vegi's and cheese. At the top I laid one last layer of pasta, then sauce. On top of the sauce I sprinkled Panko bread crumbs mixed with the 1/3 of shredded Parmesan. Topped off with fresh chopped basil.

In the oven for about 30/35 minutes or until golden brown.

Not for nothing, I think it turned out really well. My sleepy panda who hates vegetables ate every last bite and I even got compliments from my mother who is a foodie Nazi.

P.S. Screw Flanders

TextMex

When I first received a text message from my mother I was amazed. Initially because she called it a "Tex-mex" and then because the act totally betrayed her aversion to anything technological.

It's no secret that I LOVE texting. I prefer it to talking on the phone in fact. Perhaps this comes from my love of the written word. How the letters string together giving birth to beautiful prose. Or how when given a limited space one can cleverly abridge the context of almost any communication; stripping away the fluff and leaving only the essence of meaning. Or maybe it is because I talk on the phone for a living and perpetual speaking is exhausting. 8 hours of constantly yapping makes me hate the sound of my disgusting voice. It makes my ears ring and the idea of listening to people's chatter while off the clock makes me absolutely bat shit. One thing I have learned from my work and from taking public transportation is that 90% of conversations are NOT THAT IMPORTANT! The meat of those conversations can be reduced to a set of characters. "Dinner at 8" "Running Late" "I miss you" "I hate you" etc. Today on the bus I heard a woman talking shit loudly into her phone about a hypochondriac with halitosis. It was funny as all get-out but completely unnecessary and useless noise. She could have sent a simple text that read, "i hate that fucking bitch, she has yuck mouth" end of story.

I also see nothing wrong with intense text battles. The vigorous back and forth becomes a heated Apache dance...ahhh the intrigue. Occasionally however one will be forced to endure the dreaded 'text life story'. This long ass message that reads like a dissertation is annoying but sometimes necessary. In all truth there is probably a reason why that person could not say those things to you in 1.)person to your face or 2.) over the phone in your ear. Maybe you are a terribly defensive person. Maybe you are confrontational and don't listen, maybe they just don't want to have an argument but simply want to just say what they feel. At any rate these text essays are funny and sometimes make nice conversation pieces at cocktail parties and sleepovers.

The moral to this verbose rant:
Phone conversation will NEVER replace actual human interaction. And sadly, human interactions are not always meaningful encounters. Texting and to the same extent, letter writing affords us more time to think about the value of what we are about to convey. Let's face it, WE are by nature really fucking annoying and selfish. When we converse with people half the time we are too busy thinking about what we are going to say next to hear what we are being told. At least if we are in a position where we are forced to read someone's words; a certain level of comprehension could be assumed.

So next time you get a "tex-mex" from me know that above all else; I was thinking about you fondly, and that while I value you for all your disgusting human failings (I have a shit-ton of these); I value your time even more to NOT waste it with dead empty words and useless noise. KIT, TTYL and XOXO *(^-^)

SIDE NOTE: I'm not talking about texting while flying a plane, conducting a train, or driving an automobile. That would be plain stupid.

when the love affair ends

Poisonous nectar
You make everything better

with your false courage.

Buffaro Rings

Ingredients:
1/4 cup soy sauce
6 cloves of crushed, diced garlic

1/2 cup honey
1/3 cup lemon juice

1/4 cup hot sauce

3 tablespoons of butter

salt & pepper

4lbs. of chicken wings

I wanted to make some hot wings for the Superbowl party I would be attending but after brain-farting while at the market and forgetting to buy the key ingredient for classic wings (Frank's RedHot sauce), I decided to MacGyver some wings with the stuff I had in my fridge. After a search of the web I found a lot of recipes with good ideas, but not one recipe that was good enough. So I used my basic math knowledge and applied the old rule of "averages": a little Mean, a little Median, a little Mode later I had my recipe for Oriental style hot wings.

1.) Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees.

2.) I thawed and washed the wings and placed them on a Pyrex baking dish. Sprinkled them with a little bit of sea salt (soy sauce is hella salty so I did not want to use too much salt), some black pepper and the fresh garlic. I baked the wings for about 45 minutes uncovered. (To be completely honest I did not time it exactly, but those wings saw about an hour of oven time altogether.) When they had achieved a nice golden color and were cooked thoroughly, I drained all the fat and saved it for later use in my fantastic fat powered space car. I placed the wings back in the oven to stay warm and to get a little crunchy while I mixed up the other ingredients.

3.) In a large bowl I mixed the dark mushroom soy sauce, lemon juice, honey and Huy Fong chili garlic hot sauce (I really like garlic). I debated using the butter because all the recipes I found online included a stick or so of butter. I figured the honey would act like a glue limiting the need for the butter but I did not want to risk it flavor wise. So I compromised by adding 3 tablespoons into the mixture. (I did not pre-melt the butter because the whole thing would be getting more oven time.)

4.) I poured the wings into the large bowl and tossed/folded together. Then I placed the wings back onto the Pyrex and poured the entire mixture over them and baked for 10 minutes.
5.) Take out, pour into serving dish, share and enjoy.

I'm no iron chef, but these got devoured and not only by me. These bitches were spot on, in fact they can stand to be a little more spicy. Next time, Sriracha your services will be requested!