USA-not-A-Okay

In my life time i have seen the US/Mexico border go from a chain linked fence that divided two countries to a thicker and taller metal gate, then it changed from a gate to a wall. And then behind that wall another wall was erected and on top of that wall, barbed wire was added. So much money and energy has been squandered on securing that border. THEN- after 9/11 the shit really hit the fan. We had to protect our border from foreign enemies, which the minute men used as an excuse to declare open hunting season on Mexican terrorists. All this to protect ourselves from Mexicans who come to the United States to spread their religious ideologies, and steal all of our good jobs... That being said, you cannot imagine my shock and awe when i heard one of today's top news stories about the (June 1st) restriction, requiring people to present proper identification when attempting to cross the Canadian/U.S. border. So wait a minute, time out, all this time that we were "securing our border" to the South and pioneering all that Homeland Security bullshit, what have we been doing in the Great White North?

Let me get this straight. For years i have heard the redundant rhetoric about Mexicans stealing jobs; jobs that we all know GOD DAMN WELL, NOBODY wants to do; all the while letting educated English speaking Canadians just walk across the border without so much as requesting proper identification? What? Did we ever stop to imagine what jobs these highly qualified Canadians were taking from U.S? Do we care? I have never seen a Canadian housekeeper, nor a Canadian selling fruit on the side of the road, or washing cars, nor mowing a lawn. So what is this bullshit really about, America?

Your pro Canada, anti Mexico agenda is clear to me now America; you racist Jezebel. Don't judge me harshly, please; I was born here, i live here, and i love you America, but sometimes you disappoint me and fill me with shame. I wish you'd stop it and get it together. Get us some universal health care, help us with our distressed debt, truly and honestly leave no child behind and stop being such a two-faced racist bigot. ALSO, for Christ sake- if you are going to tighten one border, tighten both! Its like wearing fireproof pants with no top! ...And the rockets red glare with amber waves of shame-AMEN

Won't somebody please think of the children!

With the California election less than a day away i am flabbergasted by the amount of media coverage and propaganda surrounding this important event. I cant open my mailbox, watch a t.v. show, or listen to my favorite radio station without being inundated with some debate about the controversial propositions on the ballot. ACTUALLY, not really. In fact, quite the opposite. I have in all truth only caught one commercial where a "teacher" is pleading for the children, begging us to vote yes on Prop 1A and 1B. As if either proposition had anything remotely to do with the other. I think at one point she actually exclaims, "wont someone think of the children!" Which is a serious pile of soft smelly beer shits! Prop 1A has absolutely nothing to do with the children! it has everything to do with a a mystical "rainy day fund" that in all actuality is a Slush Fund. This BITCH will have us believe that in order to help the children we need to vote YES on 1A and 1B. But if we really care about the children, we will only VOTE YES on 1B and NO on 1D, the only two propositions which actually have something to do with children.
I am completely disgusted and disappointed with our display of civic duty. From the corporate news level, the grassroots level, and personal neighbor to neighbor level. This apathy born from the same community that not 7 months ago was wall to wall ape shit about our electoral process. Look, listen, Its cool we voted for a president, I'm glad Barack is that president, and I'm glad that a sound active campaign brought that to fruition. But what the FUCK CALIFORNIA!?! This election tomorrow has EVERYTHING to do with our local government. This is shit we can tangibly control. I cant tell you how to vote: (NO ON 1A, 1C, 1D, YES ON 1B, 1E, and 1F.) But i can urge you to vote. AND i know you all are already registered because you voted for Barack, so i know you are still eligible. The future of the Golden State's budget lies in your hands dude. Don't fuck this up!

its a FILM not a MOVIE!!!!!

A while back the movie 'Independence day' was on television. I watched it because there was nothing else on and also because as it turns out, it has an all star cast. I realized a couple of things. One, this movie is what really solidified the Fresh Prince of Bel-air's role as a leading man, and two, the movie is terrible! Absolutely-shit smeared on your best shoes, late for an important interview-terrible. Granted it was never my favorite movie, but it got me thinking about big summer blockbuster movies, bad 80's movies, and how they compare to alleged "films". All this aside, it is not my intention to embark on a slanderous tirade about the quality of 'Independence day'. For all i know, maybe it sucked because like lots of poorly conceived futuristic movies that try too hard; it could not withstand the test of time, or maybe it's because the concept is weak and badly recycled, or maybe, just maybe its simply a crappy film, so what? I am mature enough now to see past that elitist art-house mentality that only Criterion Collection films and those directed by someone with a foreign sounding name are alone worth watching. Truth be told, some of the shittiest movies have brought me the most joy over the years simply because of their irreverent quality. But the fact that i love 'Showgirls' with all its plot holes and character flaws is not the point. The point is that shitty movies go both ways.

When i started Netflix i was eager and ambitious. I started watching everything. The critically acclaimed stuff, the popular stuff, stuff that came highly recommended all the things i always wondered about... and it hit me. A lot of these so called films are complete tripe too! I could not stand 'Blue Velvet'. I found it idiotic, and pretentious. I simply do not accept the hype. The genius of Ingmar Bergman is lost on me and 8 1/2 is overrated. There, i said it! I am not a yokel that cannot appreciate art, on the contrary, i can appreciate ART even if it is not acclaimed.

I say this because the other day i went to watch 'the Fast and the Furious' at the 2 dollar theatre and as predictable as it was, i enjoyed it. But i caught a lot of grief from friends who passed judgement on the movie. SO FUCKING WHAT if it appeals to the lowest common denominator?!? Maybe sometimes we need to just suspend all disbelief and escape our better judgement for 90 minutes and just have a mind numbing good time? I am not suggesting that we abandon all discretion, nor am i championing the nomination of Vin Diesel for an Oscar. But i can find value in mega budget-mindless explosion movies, not exclusively reserve it for hyped art house films. Perhaps my taste is all in my mouth, but after watching some "classics films" i cant help but wonder if they are great for the same reason that the Emperor's new clothes were?

Take my husband, PLEASE!

Bukowski tells a tale of a stud that could not mate with a mare because she was "too attractive". The handlers had to lather the mare with mud to entice the arrogant stud into mating. The point of the story published in "South of No North", was that the stud was intimidated by the mares beauty. And it was not until he believed that she was uglier than him, that he felt confident enough to perform. I always remembered that story as an interesting insight into the male psyche.

The other nite i engaged Mr. M in the always dreaded instantly regrettable, "who would you rather" conversation. He begrudgingly participated and was a good sport about it; going into the pros and cons while carefully weighing his options (within the realm of the game and otherwise).Then i chimed in with my usual narcissistic-all consuming-insecurities. He replied, "why do you always have to make everything about you?" Needless to say, that was the end of the game, and i never did find out if he preferred Bijou Phillips or Donna Pinciotti.

I later apologized for ruining the game and i explain that i was not trying to make it all about me, that in the big picture i did not care about the outcome of the game. I simply felt suddenly insecure. Insecurities born in every woman who have ever watched t.v, opened a fashion magazine, had a class with THAT hot chick. It made me question if having a "hot body" was an important component for his ideal woman. He was right, i did make it all about me and about how i measured up to what i imagined his ideals of a "perfect" woman to be. I asked him, "would you like me more if i had a hot body?" he said no. i suspiciously suspected otherwise, when his follow-up response brought complacent contentment. He said, "if you were really hot i would be happy, but i would worry. right now i am just really happy, and this is better." When he said that i remembered that old song about being happy for the rest of your life by Jimmy Soul:

...A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall

As soon as he marries her, then she starts

Doin' the things that will break his heart

But if you make an ugly woman your wife
You'll be happy for the rest of your life

An ugly woman cooks your meals on time
An she'll always give you peace of mind...

Its a clever song that takes me back to The Buk's story. It became abundantly clear to me that women really don't know what men want, nor do we fully understand them: MEN. Rather than dwell on the "whatifs" i am gonna let myself feel pretty and loved and accepted just the way i am; as a muddy mare, although i rarely have a meal made on time.

This is not a Food Blog

Apparently, there is a code of ethics one should follow when writing a food blog, which i think should just be left to common sense and not a group of word Nazis who think they alone have the write to write. (Get it?) it's punny...

Food Blog Restaurant Review Guidelines
1. We will be thorough.
We will consult the Association of Food Journalist guidelines to maintain a standard for reviews.
2. We will be fair when reviewing a restaurant
We will visit a restaurant more than once (more than twice, if possible) before passing a final judgment.
We will sample the full range of items on menu.
We will be fair to new restaurants. Establishments experience growing pains. We will wait at least one month after the restaurant opens, allowing them to work out some kinks, before writing a full-fledged review. If, however, we chose to post about a new restaurant because of timeliness and competitiveness, we will instead offer readers “initial impressions.”
If we receive an item for free or if we are recognized during our reviewing process, we will mention so in our review.
While anonymity is important when dining out and conducting a review, we will not hide behind a pseudonym. If complete anonymity is required for personal or professional safety, we will not post anything that we wouldn’t feel comfortable putting our name on and owning up to. Readers should also be able to respond to the reviews.

***
I will press on. Last night Mr. M and i went to Casa Bianca. It's a mom and pop Italian restaurant located on 1650 Colorado in Eagle Rock. Mr. M and i have been there before.(AND yes i have been there more than 2 times before). All bias aside, i sort of prefer Tarantinos in Pasadena on 784 E Green Street. It too is a mom and pop operation, is a CASH only establishment, has marvelous pizza pies, (i have been there more than twice too) but i have never had to wait 45 minutes to an hour to eat there. Casa Bianca does not need me to review it. It has been reviewed and revered in various publications', 'BEST OF ' lists. It shares the charm of Palermo Ristorante Italiano located on 1858 N Vermont Ave in Los Angeles. You can buy a glass of wine while you wait for your table there too and the walls are plastered with 8x10 glossy head shots of D list TV stars from yesteryear. The food is better at Casa Bianca than that of Palermo's but the price is about the same. But i digress, this is not a FOOD BLOG.

Last night Mr. M and i went to Casa Bianca, we were prepared to wait so we walked down the street to a Liquor Store and bought a 32 of the high life and 2 cans of Boddingtons. We sat outside talking about "Son of Rambow", a delightful little movie we netflixed this week. The night was warm and balmy, due to the rain that had just misted everything. We were yucking it up and i was especially enjoying making fun of the other parties waiting to be seated. One group in particular went through several packs of cigarettes while waiting to be seated. It appeared to be a party of 10 gathering to celebrate the birthday of the ring leading hipster blond. Classic hipster look: long bangs, tight jeans, and that dirty but not dirty put together look. Little by little her friends kept showing up and they all awkwardly stood around chain smoking because it appeared that many of them did not know each other. Which begs the question; is a dinner birthday party really a good setting to meet new people? They got seated before us and then a mid forties couple joined the fun outside. The ass clown had long hair and kept trying to butch up the conversation by talking about things he had no idea about. He actually said that Mark Sanchez went to the LIONS; idiot! And his lady friend was one of those divorcee's that had a lot of work done: had fried blond hair but a tight little body. A real match made in heaven. We finally got seated and wouldn't you know, we got to sit right next to the party of 10. Turns out the chain smokers were all, wait for it, wait for it, VEGETARIAN!

Now some of you loyal blog followers know that i fasted, and that i can MacGyver the shit out of some tofu, so being a vegetarian is all good. But Vegetarians that chain smoke and wear "MEAT IS MURDER" shirts put me over the edge.

(See i told you, this was not a FOOD BLOG)

Here i go on my soap box. SMOKING is MURDER and SUICIDE and Smoking is Puffthetic! If you can't find something better to do with your hands while you wait around then you are socially inept. If you can't sit through a meal without stepping out for a smoke break, you are a LOSER JUNKY. And if you really care about animals stop smoking! NEWSFLASH! We are all animals and while i was sitting outside with you for 45 minutes breathing your second hand cancer you were slowly murdering me.

I used to smoke. It was cool. I was a bad ass and i wanted to announce my presence with authority. But its an expensive ridiculous habit. Many of my friends tell me now that they cant imagine me smoking. It has been about 2 years and i can honestly say i don't miss it. But back to my point. DON'T BE SUCH A HYPOCRITE! Don't push your vegan bullshit in my face while puffing cancer at me as well. If you want to commit to making earth a better place, start with yourself. Better yourself first.

In conclusion, the pizza we ate was wonderful. The sausage was excellent. The meatballs were whatever. But the little cockroach that joined us in our booth at the end of the meal was an especially nice touch. I think from now on we will do carry out.

As Seen On TV

i have a secret confession to make: I love television. Okay, okay, that's not really a secret. But the fact that i love bad television, and above all, infomercials should be. There. you all know my filthy little secret. Although, some of you may have already suspected this after eagerly unwrapping a Christmas or birthday present from me only to find some product that has been hawked on late night television by some former child star.

i jest, i cant say what it is exactly about the infomercial that attracts me, perhaps the poor production value, the terrible acting, the ludicrous empty promises and claims of success or maybe its the jazzy synthesized beats. At any rate i must admit that i am a bit of a sucker sometimes. You wont catch me rockin' the snuggie on a cold night, nor grilling some chicken in that glass crock pot that Mr T endorses. I have a general rule about these things: IF THE PRODUCT ACTUALLY WORKED, IT WOULD BE SOLD IN A STORE, and not just the virtual Bazaar that is late night T.V.

I get so giddy with glee when i see the products that have actually peaked my interest make it to the shelves of my local Target or CVS. I get a sense that because the product is in an actual store that it may actually work and i don't have to worry about giving my credit card number to some yokel over the phone. I have bought plenty of things that have been advertised on TV and have had great success with them like:

• the Ove' Glove that is really amazing if you use the oven a great deal which i do since i don't own a microwave so i heat everything up in the oven and plus i love to bake
• ShamWow which does have me saying "WOW" every time i use it. It sucks up a lot of water and dries fast. WOW!
• the Iron Gym, which at first was a bust since it did not fit any of the doorways in my apartment. But i gave it to my friend and he raves about how well it is working for him. (and i can totally see results too)

So i nearly messed myself when i was trolling the aisles of CVS and i found the Smooth Away! i could not wait to try it out and see how this miracle product would remove my hair, painlessly and without chemicals. Ten bucks later, i had myself another truth test.

The plastic pink pads look sturdy and the pack includes 5 adhesive backed sandpaper strips for each pad. (5 little, 5 big sandpaper strips) The instructions are self explanatory- rub in a circular motion, clock wise then counter clockwise no up and down, no side to side.

The sandpaper strips are very fine, and do not break the skin, nor cause it to burn nor itch. However i did catch a whiff of burning hair when i was doing my test.

BEFORE:
(Please forgive the picture of my hairy ass leg.) The instructions indicate that the hair should not be too long.

AFTER:
The hair was gone, and my leg was hella ashy afterwards. i assume that was the gentle exfoliation that was promised on the box.

So the verdict? it works. Its not as close as a razor, and not as clean as a good waxing. But the Smooth Away actually works. I did find the the little sandpaper strip lost some of its sanding abilities after one leg so i wonder if they sell replacement pads or if i can just buy some at Home Depot and make my own?

Secretly i think i just want to invent something that will make me Millions of dollars and get me out of HELL. all i need is one idea, my very own snuggie, or clap-ON, or flashlight key ring. No matter how stupid it is, someone out there, (perhaps someone not too unlike me) will buy it.

12:01

FRIDAY:
Every year on Good Friday the Catholic church across the street puts together a commemoration of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ by re-enacting the event. I've lived here for 3 years and this was the first year i caught the spectacle. It was a low budget yet heartfelt affair. Members of the congregation made the mile hike around the hilly neighborhood while "Jesus" was whipped by Romans, and a pickup truck with speakers jimmy rigged onto it blared dramatic 'Passions of the Christ-esque' instrumental music. I watched the whole thing from the roof of my building. Some of my neighbors came up too and it was truly an opportunity for togetherness and reflection, mostly because we all complained about what slumlords our landlords are and how all of us have issues with water pressure. Irregardless, leave it to Jesus to unite the village.

SATURDAY:

On Saturday night/Sunday morning at 12:01 i poured myself my first beer in almost 50 days. I took special care to frost the glass and chill the beer. It was like Christmas, my birthday, and PROM nite all rolled into one. the anticipation was palpable. Then as i brought the ice cold glass to my lips and took my first sip i realized that it was exactly like Christmas, my birthday and PROM nite; totally and utterly overrated... the anticipation far exceeded the actual excitement of the event. I don't quite know what i expected. I've tasted beer before so i did not expect it to make me drunk at first sip, but i expected it to taste better, to be more refreshing. It was bitter, and made my tummy ache. i can say with all honestly that it was a little disappointing.

I must confess that as Lent was coming to an end i began to worry about drinking again. It was such a relief to drive around at any hour of the day and not worry about getting pinched by some flat-foot. It was nice to save money that would have otherwise been squandered at countless bars. AND best of all, it was wonderful to learn that i can hang out with my man and have as much; if not more, fun with him than i did when we drank together. (don't get me wrong, he's my favorite drinking buddy. Now he is my favorite sober buddy too!)

SUNDAY:
Lazy Sunday went off without a hitch. The day was on Indian time. (for you non speakers suspecting that i am politically incorrect[i am], but i implore you to hear me out. I dig the idea of Indian time, getting there when you get there, being more ONE with the universe and going with the flow rather than being bound by the annoying restrictions of TIME: minutes, hours, micromanaged seconds...) at least on Sundays. The usual suspects started trickling in and the feasting began. We stocked the fridge with beer and fired up the grill. My brother made a cameo and assumed the role of alpha male by manning the grill: topless. When i asked him to put his shirt back on he replied, "sun's out, guns out". He bombarded the guests with a litany of racist epithets, and kept touching the carne asada with his fingers which he wiped on a blue bandanna he pulled out of his back pocket. For years i would make myself crazy trying to control him, trying to get him to act right and not embarrass me. It has taken me a long time to realize that although i love my brother and care for his welfare, i am not responsible for what he says nor what he does, and therefore i should not feel guilt nor shame at his shenanigans.

Overall it was a beautiful day that was not hot even though the sun shone bright, and was breezy without being windy. The lesson from this years exercise in self discipline was very valuable. I learned that i did not love drinking booze as much as i thought i did and i learned that i love my brother just the way he is, shirtless and asking for a to-go plate.

P.S. if you ever stop eating meat for any extended period of time, its not a good idea to gorge yourself of flank steaks right out of the gates.